The night he scored a 5672 on Bubble spinner

17^th Dec’10, Gorakhpur

The shadow of the glass of milk skirted to the right, falling just short of his mobile placed at an arm’s distance from him at the bedside table while he was engrossed in the game on his laptop. It has been a rough day for him, PDIs of trucks and audit of a complete full range workshop. What best way to relax could there be but to revel on the deep soft mattress of the hotel room, listening to your favourite songs and playing ‘bubble spinner’.

Dil kyun ye mera....shor kare.... moving his head to the merry rhythm of the songs he kept playing the game mindlessly.... with a mild unimportant goal of getting a higher score on each try and nothing else... no worries about tomorrow’s journey back to Lucknow that started at 4:45 next morning....no worries about his result in CAT... no worries of when he would leave this job and move on to fulfil his dreams.... no worries about the boy who was coming to see his girlfriend today... nothing. If anything, it was just his riant demeanour that he has been carrying since he fell in love last year.  

Bahara..bahara..hua dil pehli baar ye...  the song changed while he kept playing. “Why can I not score beyond a 562 on this god-damn game... and why do I like this song so much.....its girlish. May be this song expresses how I feel inside and the tune is so catchy....”, he thought to himself.

The phone rang to the tune of ‘pehla nasha’ ....ringtone assigned to his love. The mobile screen flashed her smiling face that reflected back on his face as well immediately as he saw it. “Hello dearest...”, still managing to continue playing the game, he said in a tone full of care and a hint of apology as he just realised that he did not call her today since morning.

“Sourabh, where are you? Can you please come to my home....now”, she burst out crying....managing to speak and breathe as if she was being smothered by something that worried her immensely. The score card on his laptop reached 301....This sudden comeuped situation was still being analysed by his mind when he tried to calm her down and said, “What happened? I am still in Gorakhpur and will reach lucknow tomorrow afternoon.....just tell me what happened”. 442...“Oh why aren’t you here..”, her question was not directed to him....it was but for the God.. “...I am getting engaged to the boy who came to see me today... the ceremony begins in half an hour”, and there was helplessness shouting out loud in her cries. This news hit him hard.....hard enough to render him nonplussed.... no more suggestions were available to him from his mind anymore.... he don’t know what to reply or whether he ought to reply anything or not....532....as the sense came back to him after some seconds he said “Well tell your parents about me.....I will meet them tomorrow” ....571....a voice in the back of his mind kept telling him ‘you are supposed to be crying’ but he could not. “I tried telling them.... things are happening very fast here...within hours many of my relatives have been invited here for this... I am unable to stop it...”...she kept crying... “I have to go now,.... I will call you back”, she said and hanged up the phone in a hurry. Still unable to take up the shock.... unable to think.... unable to know what he should do....he kept playing...882. ‘You are supposed to cry’...whispered the voice in his head again. “I don’t know what to do....ofcourse I am supposed to cry,... then why am I so normal...” the true gravity of the situation has yet not been absorbed by him..... It was like a hard physical blow that is immediately followed by silence and then the pain comes after a few moments. The pain is still to come....1104.... His mind was still in quandary when he suddenly realized that the room was dark with only a dim light available from the side lamp which, much to the misery, seemed sad. 1504....He was still blank about the situation.... “ What must I do?...let’s try to think about what has happened from a layman’s viewpoint. She is getting engaged to someone else.... that means she will get married to him.... so what? ..... Wait... It also means that I will not get to see her anymore....” this step by step thinking helped and the horrific knowledge slowly dawned upon him...2512... “this can’t be happening... how will I live without her....” his eyes went wet with a plum rising up in his throat.....3352... ‘Cry’ the voice in his head slyly pushed the thought again in front of him. And then he started crying....still playing the game....4560....he cried harder as his mind kept telling him what all will he be missing, his heart worrying for her.... how will she live without me....who will take care of her... how will I ensure that she is fine... I want to talk to her everyday... he cried even harder....the laptop screen went hazy through his eyes....he kept playing...unsure of when to stop....5508... He kept crying and thought that nothing he can do will change it.... its all hopeless, he felt a sinking feeling.....sinking into a hole that is infinitely deep... no amount of crying could get him out of there.... 5550... the walls of the room seemed to crash upon him...it was over.... 5672...Game is over!

As he sobbed silently in his room...the song played again... “bahara..bahara..hua dil”, ....what a stupid song that is.... I hate the lyrics... he turned off the laptop and cried off to sleep.

Definition of a beautiful girl

“Everything is so silent here; even the wind is a bit shy and hesitant to cross through the leaves as if it’s playing its part in maintaining the calm of this park. I like this place. We should come here often.” Raka said in a relaxed and sober tone induced into his demeanor by the atmosphere in Lohia park.

I like it when they write our names together in that entry register.” Sirka replied, walking by his side, hand in hand, fingers entangled together.

Uh-oh, our favorite tree is occupied today”, Raka exclaimed, dismayed.

“Now what?”

“Now we will have to find a new place to sit. Although I loved that tree…its in the middle of garden and look how generous it is with its shadow… and also the area around it is so clean. Too bad we missed it”

“Common then, there are a million other trees in this park. Let’s venture to the far off end today.”

“Ok, let’s just sit by this tree”, Raka pointed her to a small tree with a few leaves by the side of pavement. Sirka deliberately sat a step away from him, knowing that he would be annoyed.

“What?” Raka expressed his annoyance… “Why are you so far away from me?”

“Let’s just sit face to face today and not side by side. I want to look into your eyes”, Sirka explained herself in a placative manner.

“Well atleast come close enough so I can hold your hand”, he urged her closer. Sirka looked into his eyes, with her chin on her knees, her left hand holding his left hand. The way she looked at him was too soft to be called a stare, yet it had the intriguing boldness of appropriating the right to look deep inside him… to look into his soul. He looked back at her in an attempt to help her through her way. The mild, almost unnoticeable smile on Sirka’s face hinted him that she could now see how much he admired her, that he was smitten with her and that he loved her beyond the limits of his will. Shied by the fact that his feelings were exposed naked in front of her he tried to concentrate elsewhere… to his own reflection in her eyes but that didn’t help him long enough and he finally surrendered by lowering his glance to her anklets.

“Why don’t your anklets make noise like my mom’s does?”

“Because mine don’t have jhumars attached”, Sirka replied and continued as if trying to form her thoughts that were left unsorted previously… “I am not as beautiful as you believe me to be. Even my skin color is not fair enough for a girl to qualify as good looking. Everybody think that I am just another girl… and then…and then there’s You”, She kept on trying to articulate her conservations when Raka slowly slid his hands along the length of her’s  and signaled her to the contrast.

“Do you see how fair you are? And forget about all those who say that you are just another girl. Look at yourself through my eyes and you will see that you are the most beautiful girl in this world.”

“And what’s your definition of a beautiful girl?” Sirka asked cheesily.

“A beautiful girl is the one who loves me”

A kg more than you do

“Hmmm…. I am back. What were we talking about?” he asked. The reliance unlimited16 talk plan that they’ve got would disconnect every hour and thus help them keep a track of time, in addition to the disturbance in conversation.

“This was the 2^nd time Raka ji…. It’s time for us to sleep.”

“Oh, don’t go just yet…. Wait for few more minutes”

“Okay…. You were about to ask me a question. Go on”. He smiled at her condescension and continued, “Oh yes… the question. Pay attention ‘cause it’s a tricky one. What’s heavier… A kg of cotton Or A kg of Iron?”

“What kind of a question is that?”

“A tricky one”, he replied glibly.

“Well its simple…”, he cut her short, “Think harder Sirka ji… I don’t want you to lose.”

“Huh”…and he was grinning hard all the while she took to complete rest of the sentence… “Ofcourse a kg of iron is heavier”.

“Haha… got you!”

“That’s not fair, you tricked me into it”

“I told you it was a tricky question”, there was no trick in that. It was her un-questioning faith in him that played with her and he knew that.

“I must go to sleep now… its way past 1 am now”

“Okay”, he sighed and continued after a few seconds, “Sometimes I wish I could delete 1am from the watch altogether. Then you won’t ever have to leave”

“How much do you love me Raka Ji?” she asked promptly, as if driven by a sudden remembrance of a previously thought desire. He has long anticipated this question but never actually gave it a thought serious enough to look for an answer. He was sure that it will be asked. It had to be asked. It has been asked.

“What makes you ask that?”

“Just answer the question”

“It’s a silly question to ask. Why would you ever want to put a limit on something as sacred as love?”

“Will you please answer it…. For me. Please. I just have to know”

“Well if you insist, the answer would be… ‘A kg more than you do dearest’”

“Ahh…. I love you more. That’s not correct”

“Nah, I love you a kg more than you do”

“That’s not fair… how can you say I love you less”

“I never said that”

“You said you love me more than I love you”

“Okay, look at it like this. Suppose your love is infinite for me, and I love you a kg more. It would still be infinite. So your love is at the most equal to mine, but never less”

“Where do you get such answers from?” she asked… amazed.

“And the kg that I am talking about here is a kg of cotton. So that if you try to hold it, your hands would be wide open. Just like you would have hoped me to tell you how much I love you.”

His answer was way more satisfying for her. She has hoped for a conventional reply. “I will never be able to win an argument against you”, she said in a sad tone which has a hint that she was happy to lose against him.

“That’s rubbish. You can definitely win. You will win arguments against me”

“When”, she asked eagerly.

“One day…”he continued… “When the sun is brighter than usual and rain is falling…”

“When does that happen? You mean to say I will never win”

“Let me complete Sirka Ji. When the sun is brighter than usual and rain is falling from the sky…. When a radiant Rainbow will divide the sky in two halves and I will be busy looking for the treasure at one end of that rainbow… that is when you will win over me. On that day, you will win and I will lose. And I will be the happiest person to lose against you.”

Those words were engrossed in her heart at that very moment. “What treasure?” she continued as if nothing has been stirred up inside her.

“The treasure at the starting and end points of rainbow…. Did no one tell you about it?” he asked humorously.

“Oh yeah. I read it somewhere. So you would be busy searching for that treasure instead of paying attention to the argument and that’s how I will win?”

“Pretty much”

“I don’t want you to lose. I like losing arguments to you”

“You din’t get it Santri, I will still win in the end, coz your win is my victory as well”

“uff… meet me at Hotel moon. I might have a chance there”

“Sure dearest”

Kuch aur baat kartein hain

Gentle february wind blew through his hair as he stood in front lobby of the house leaning against the fence, scratching a spot of wax on its surface, oblivion of his posture and of the fact that all the doors were left open. It was only when the befalling darkness of that winter evening accentuated the reflection of room’s light in his watch that he realized that he was standing there for last 1 hour without moving, thinking about nothing. The watch on his wrist read 6:26 which amazed him, as if he had noticed a pattern or discovered that this coincidence was rather schemed. He went back inside the room, in front of the wash-basin and looked at his reflection in the mirror. It was his sad self, dried eyes and pouting lips. The cheeks had a sign of dried tear lines, he immediately wiped them off. “What’s so difficult in it, Ofcourse I can smile”, he thought to himself, trying to prove Vandana wrong who told her this evening that he has lost his natural intriguing smile. He tried to smile in the mirror, as if following an algorithm, to widen the lips and curve them upwards. It took him a significant physical effort to do so. After a few futile efforts, he burst into self pitying tears again and removed himself away from mirror.

Ashish calling…

“Hey dude, how are you”, he replied the phone in a fake tone.

“I am good. Will a day ever come when you will call me by yourself?” Ashish said sarcastically.

“Ofcourse, but you always call me a day before that day”

“Huh…how are you feeling now? Are you Ok?”

“Yeah, I am fine. I will survive”, he said, simultaneously logging into his facebook account.

“I knew you would be devastated. You were too much in love with her.”

“Yeah, I am…”, on his facebook page were the photographs of her engagement uploaded recently. The photographs almost seized him off his conscious and held him at his place, nonplussed and immovable. The world went silent to him, so egregious was the nature of the evinced fact that his heart forgot to beat while he tried to articulate his own feelings and then to understand what actually hurt him more, the photographs or the comments. The missed heartbeat gave him a deep pain in his chest when he realized that the phone has slipped off his hands through which Ashish was calling out to him, he stared at the mobile, gathered himself up and picked the phone only after ensuring himself of his ability to voice out a sentence properly.

“Hi, I am back. The phone slipped off my hands”

“I have been calling you for last 1 minute, what took you so long to pick the phone”

“Leave it… in some way, you know, I think that she will be happier with that guy”, he said…trying to believe in what he just said with all his might. He wanted it to be true, however much bitter it felt.

“Yeah, you should be worrying a little more about yourself right now. She will be happy with him”

It seared his heart to hear that from Ashish, as unlike him, Ashish’s opinion lacked any condescension and thus, in a way, was more approving of the fact. He continued… “Yes, he has a respectable job as well, earns well and can give her a better life ahead against me, who has just started his career. He is obviously a better choice for her. And you know what, he calls her baby and says that he has fallen in love with her since their very first meeting… Me and my love don’t stand a chance against him… against…chhod na yaar, kuch aur baat kartein hain….”

“What the hell, who tells you all this….she?”

“And there’s more to it… In the beginning of our relationship, I had told her that there would be a prince for her who would take her away on a black horse, I remember it was black as she had pestered me to change it to a white one but I had held my grounds. Yesterday she told me that that guy had a black horse too. I always thought that I was the prince in that wish who was proud of being in love with her.”

“But…”

“It’s fate isn’t it. All my care, all the love in my heart for her doesn’t matter. What has that guy done to earn that place in her life…”

“Listen…”, Ashish tried desperately to stop him.

“and why can’t I, who… chhod na yaar, kuch aur baat kartein hain”

“Pheww… Ofcourse. How about your applications?”

“He will keep her happy, won’t he?... ofcourse he will. I wish he give her all the happiness I had planned for her. Do you think he will love her more than I do?... Ofcourse he will, he is the chosen one for her. Maybe I didn’t love her enough”, he said and her sweet voice echoed in his mind…”how much do you love me Raka Ji?” and he had replied humourously “A Kg more than you do dearest” and she had smiled back, shying her glance away. To that smiling face he said… “Maybe, a Kg more than you do was not enough Santri…”

“What?”

“Chhod na yaar, Kuch aur baat kartein hain”

The Start of a new beginning

On that freezing night of Feb’09 as the Bareilly express hooted to the green signal on platform 9, Varanasi Jn., a hand clasped the cold steel bar at the door of Bogie no. S2. There was a haste in the manner of that hand, not because the train was about to leave but because it had a purpose to achieve on this journey & this clasp was the deciding initial jolt that swiftly swiped away all the trepidations he had regarding the efficacy of that purpose.  It was 11:45pm when he looked up to the moon hoping that she might also be looking at it at this moment, and went inside the train. The knowledge that she was also looking at the moon made him feel closer to her. This feeling was what had given him the courage to conjure that desire and then swore it as a purpose. With that purpose and the memories of their first meeting in his mind, he closed his eyes gently; discarding any thought that didn’t had her reference in them and went to sleep.

Sahara Ganj Mall, Lucknow

Their eyes met each other, the smiles, one shying away through the dimple on his left cheek and the other in submission of the fact that she has waited long to see him, met with a warm welcome. The way in which they approached each other and stopped a step apart implied an unjust ending of a sentence that had started beautifully. As if continuing a previous conversation he said, “Let’s go now, we have to buy tickets to next show of Dilli 6”, which she obeyed at once as the time they both had to be with each other was limited. As she walked besides him she realized that no formal greetings were shared between them. This made her feel oddly happy to her surprise. After cajoling the watchman to mind his bag till the show end,  as the same was not allowed inside and no counter was present there where it could be kept, they entered the premises and then into the lift. He hurriedly found himself a place by the back wall as everyone rushed into the lift while she was left behind and could only find a place towards the door but she fought her way and stood beside him. It was then that he noticed that she wore skin colored boots under her brown salwar.

“What?” she asked as he kept looking down at her feet.

“The boots, do they match your attire?”

“Yes of-course, plus I don’t like wearing sandals” she replied and held his hands tightly as the lift started its ascent and the blood accelerated down from her brain. Frightened by this sudden rush of blood she closed her eyes. The efforts with which her eyelids pressed against each other connoted the clasping force of her hand.

‘No, it’s out of fear that she has held my hand’, he thought to himself and devoured a quick glance at her by so close a distance. Ever curious about this beautiful girl, he took a note of her long earrings, the bracelets, the rings on her fingers and that peculiar scent of her which he had remembered still since their last meeting on 26^th Dec’08. She immediately left his hand as the lift stopped when the skin on his hand started regaining its shape back and shook him out of his deep thoughts. “We still have time before the show starts, popcorns?” he asked her as they walked out of lift.

With Pepsi in one hand and popcorns in other she followed him inside the dark Audi. “Here, hand it over to me and come this way”, he beckoned her towards the last row. After spotting their seats he looked back at her. There she stood under the dim light with her earring shining in reply to the golden fulcrum of rays thrown upon her by the small roof bulb. A strand of hairs hid half her face, and the outlining light accentuated her beautiful face cut. For a moment he stood engrossed by that awe-inspiring scene until she asked him back in her sweet voice, “where do we sit?”

“Right here”

Sitting together as they both enjoyed popcorn while watching the movie; he paid a keen attention at her hands. They had long fingers and a ring in both index and main finger. The more he looked at them, the more his urge to hold her hand intensified. Their hands would touch each other at times as they both fetched popcorns. The compulsion of that urge was so strong that he ignored all his trepidations, took her hand tenderly into his own and exclaimed, “You have such long nails.” She tendered the other hand as well into his hand and pointed to even longer nails.

“Why don’t you cut them?”

“I like them long, don’t you?” she kept her hand still in his grasp even as there was no further need.

Just to keep his reason of holding her hand for a bit longer he continued, “Nah, I like them cut and clean. Besides I feel afraid of such long nails, they can be used against me”

“No they won’t be used that way, don’t worry”, she replied with a smile and swiped away the strand of hair that hid her face behind.

“Kaala Bandar …. Kaala Bandar….” Shouted the big screen and the tender clasp of his hand immediately undid itself as the attention diverted back to the movie. For a moment he felt bad at leaving her hands but then he thought that this also was not the answer to his urge. Although they were holding hands, it was still not out of her free will. The topic of discussion had justified that clasp. Unsatisfied still, he sat by her side trying to collect the valor to hold her hand and look into her eyes claiming that ‘yes he has held her hand and he is willing to hold it forever’. But he was afraid of the unknown ways in which that could end. Not clear of what the consequences of such action might be, he sat afraid of uncertainty and tried to concentrate back on movie instead.

 On the left side of that unwanted hand-rest sat she, not a bit interested in the movie, wondering why he had suddenly stopped talking to her. “Why have you come here Sourabh?”

“To watch movie, why?” he replied casually, suddenly interested in the storyline of movie, and looked at her to see an expression on her face that implied that she was not at all pleased by his levity. “I am here to be with you and talk to you and listen you talking to me”, he immediately changed his reply and turned left. After a while of their unending sweet-nothing sort of talks, they sat engrossed by a serious scene in the movie whereas the popcorn tub, half empty by this time, laid dwindling either side on the hand-rest. They both silently took hold of the tub and then, as if by some self governing force, their fingers were entangled into each other’s and tub, bereft of their hold lay dwindling again. There was still no deliberate effort from his side to hold fast to her hands as if he had left everything solely on her choice. He volunteered nothing but sincerely answered each of her attempts at maintaining that clasp with equal effort. But then he realized that this was what he was here for and confidently held her hand, overcoming his fear of the unknown and looked into her eyes claiming his intentions clearly. The sole source of his audacity was the knowledge that his intentions were true and have never seemed as right as at this moment. She kept the dwindling tub aside and held back his hand in submission to his intentions. He felt her soft hands holding back his own with same force and the reason behind that hold was affection. He took his time exploring her hand carefully, noticing where the nerves showed up engrossed, and feeling her palms and wrist. He felt her pulse that ran accelerated at that moment. “So that’s how fast your pulse run?”

“These aren’t mine, it’s your heart running so fast. Don’t you remem we exchanged hearts?”

“Well then yours is a lazy one. It would intensify the beats but run at the same pace, here listen to it”, he said and took her hand to his chest and continued, “It’s always like this in your presence or when talking to you, do you think it longs to go back to its original place?”

“No, I think it feels delighted in presence of its love and longs to come as close as possible to it”, she whispered back to him.

“You look beautiful today”, he whispered back to her and she smiled, smitten. “Oh look, it is beating even harder this time” 

"tum bhi na", she replied, shying away her glance back to the movie.... and the sweet talks continued this way but the hands were clasped as firmly as ever, holding a promise of not letting go of it ever again.

Ofcourse the purpose of his journey was achieved at this moment but he has realized that it wasn’t the end. It was but the start of a new beginning…

It's simple

A Street-light came to life after a few flickering efforts and breached the slightly dim atmosphere, created by the retreating diffracted sun rays, in a way that made it seem darker at 6’o clock on that winter evening. A gaunt figure with its shadow crossing ahead of him as he crossed the lamp-post crept forward. It seemed that he could walk faster, at normal pace, but was deliberately trying to move as slowly as was possible without getting standstill. He looked down in an attempt to abstain from noticing any familiar object on the street that could possibly remind of her. Stopping in front of a house he looked up at the window of his room and was disappointed at seeing the lights still off. His roommates were yet not back from work. ‘I should come back later’, he thought to himself and continued walking. He went to a shop a mile away to buy milk which he could have got from the shop just in front of the house. He did that to avoid the whole ‘I am fine’ argument with his own mind, to avoid going alone in the room. He has been afraid of being alone lately, of being just with himself when his unruly mind would torture him with her sweet memories, by reminding him incessantly of how much he loved her and by providing him ample reasons to feel sorry for himself. As he opened the main gate of the house after returning back from the shop she followed him in. She walked behind him on the stairs and waited patiently for him to open the lock on the door of his room as she does every time, starring him right in the face with all the love in her eyes. He ignored her and went inside the room, switched on the light and went to wash-basin. As he looked up in the mirror after washing the face, she was standing by his side, smiling. The muscles on his face went tout as if the body had suffered a strong blow. It weren’t her images that tortured him, it was the fact that all these images stripped naked in front of him. The fact that she was not there, that she will never be here again with him. Each memory of her that his mind ceaselessly pushed back in front of him indirectly proved him her absence. It was her absence that made him feel bereft and miserable. Her absence in front of the lock, her absence in front of the mirror, in the half eaten packet of chocos and the absence of her fingers between his own. All these lacerating thoughts beleaguered him to a corner of his bed where he lied, hunched, hiding his face over his laps with his eyes closed tightly in a futile effort to ward off her images but that was of no use as the images were not physical, they were in his mind. He lied there, shivering with mental pain, waiting for any outside interference to rescue him. The phone rang….

Richzz calling…

The pain left immediately as he jumped forward to attend the call. It didn’t matter who was calling. It mattered that there was a call and he needed to answer it. It was the simple obligation of answering the call that saved him.

“Hello, jai shri Krishna”, the accent hinted a smile along with the greeting.

“Jai shri Krishna richzz… how are you”

“I am fine, what happened to you? You don’t sound good”

“Ahh… I caught cold. You know the weather is changing”

“Weather doesn’t change in February. I know what kind of cold you are having. We talked yesterday and I told you that you can call me whenever you are feeling alone.”

“Yeah I know. But I still don’t think it’s OK. I mean we never talked before and now I suddenly start calling you, talking to you at lengths. It may be that we go along nicely but one might think that I am trying to... ”, he said and finished the sentence with a sneeze.

“The one that matters doesn’t think that way. You can talk to me if it helps, anytime. What are friends for after all?”

“To tell when the weather doesn’t change I suppose”, both smiled.

“So how are you feeling today?”

“Quite good”, he replied humorously.

“I shouldn’t have asked that, sorry. You will recover from it one day.”

“I think I won’t. This particular situation is not under my control. This is unprecedented that I am unable to comprehend the things that are going on inside my head. This is pure torture and I can’t do anything because the root cause to this grueling pain lies within me. One can hide or run away from the source of fear or pain in usual scenarios. But how can I run away from myself? From this stupid and deeply sadist mind that seems to find pleasure in my misery”, completing the description he felt a sense of content as if he has done his part by naming all the culprits and their respective misdeeds.   

“You will be fine”, she asseverated.

“When?”

“When you will want to be”, she replied in a single monotone. The sheer simplicity of her reply accentuated the intended rationale rightfully. It would have been just an argument to him had it been not true. He knew it deep inside that the pain would vanish the second he decides to let go off her and move on. But he won’t. He chose to be with her till the end…and even after that, if it helped, in any sense, to appease her suffering. He chose to be miserable. He knew it well that this way he will not be able to move on…ever. “This heart will be useless without her, just pumping blood”, he said that gazing at the moon through the swaying branches of gulmohar tree in front of the house.

“Now why do you say that?”

“I haven’t wished for anything else for past 2 years”, it was more of a realization than a reply. “And now it’s like my glass of desire is already full of her, there is no space left for anything else.”

“We will put someone else in that glass”

“But the glass is already full. Addition of any other thing would only lead to overflowing.”

“Then we will make some space first”

“How”, he asked humorously… “The glass can’t be toppled”

“We will evaporate her….. then there will be much space for other desires”, her presence of mind attracted him. ‘Her words’, he thought ‘they have stated what the signs have been trying to tell me lately’. The signs have been telling him to let go off Sirka, and that there is a way out. It doesn’t matter if he wishes to see it or not, there will be a way out and he has no choice but to follow that path. Richzz has unknowingly confirmed him that the separation is inevitable. This confirmation was too haunting for him to accept so he ignored the signs once again and chose not to give up on Sirka. Apart from all these signs, he was moved by Richzz’s reply. She made him look what he couldn’t see for so long, the answer to all his sufferings, that it was simply his choice to be miserable or be happy. It depended solely on himself and no one else.
 ‘The answer was so simple… of-course we could evaporate it’, he thought to himself and smiled.

The Story

“What are you doing Raka ji?” the dulcet voice asked as it noticed a delay in reply from the other side of the phone. She too has gotten accustomed to these long night talks with him. The talks, which in itself has no meaning attached, but serves a very special purpose for both of them as an answer to the ever pestering desire to know that the other one exists. A desire that has no valid comprehendible justification. It is present in their minds all the time and that’s it.

“I was just browsing through your pics on orkut”, he said and stopped shuffling through her album at his favorite pic of her’s. He looks at her pic for a while and then stops, feeling guilty of committing a crime against his own virtues. He believed that he must only be attracted to the person that she is, to the entity that is present inside her physical being, to her soul. And hence attraction to any tangible part of her was an offense, a futile crime that may seem to achieve the ultimate closeness to her but will always lead to a few steps short of her. A deeper intrigue about this un-ending desire made him understand that it had no physical reason attached to it. The desire was born out of his curiosity to know the person behind that beautiful face. It was a projection of his urge to be with her, to know her and to unite with the ultimate source of that beauty. It was only when he established this in his mind in clear formed words that his desire was pure off and un-adulterated with any physical proportion that he continued… “I want to see more pics of your’s Sirka ji”.

“I don’t have any more photographs to show you. You have seen almost all my pics now.”

“But I want to see…. I want to see more of you.”

“None of my photographs is able to satisfy you. That worries me.” She replied in a sober tone. “Anyway, you were to tell me a story today”.

“Oh yes I remember…” and continued even though he didn’t had any story in his mind.

“There was once a couple called Raka & Sirka. They both loved each other a lot. Raka was a bit demanding as a lover.” She smiled in agreement. “He always used to ask Sirka to show her pics, she did… but his demand was never ending. He would ask for another one every other day. This used to make Sirka very uncomfortable as she wanted to fulfill every desire of Raka out of her unconditional love for him. So one day, she went to god, dismayed at her inability to serve Raka’s desire. God asked her about what made such a beautiful girl sad. So she went on to explain the problem to HIM and asked for a camera who’s picture could satisfy Raka’s desire.” he paused for a while in anticipation of her inevitable question.

”Then what did HE said?” she asked her question and then he continued.

“God smiled and said Dear Sirka, there is no camera in this whole world whose photographs could satisfy Raka. The answer to his desire is you.” She smiled at her acknowledgement of the logic he had been trying to show her.

“Ohk I got you”, she said as if the story had only been an argument against her dismay. The story, although targeted at this particular situation, served another purpose in-situ. Sirka has been harried by the thoughts that she might never be able to keep in line with Raka’s urge. That her ‘show of affection’ and her ‘confession of love’ will someday stop pleasing him, that someday he will grow bored and demand further closeness (not of bodies but of souls) to which she will have no answer. But this story had obliterated all these doubts by evincing her the one truth that stood tall and confident at its ability to thrash any counter argument to the ground in a single jolt of its logic. The truth that it was ‘She’ that Raka desired and nothing more and that the only thing she was required to do was to be herself. Relieved by this understanding, she continued “But this wasn’t a story, this was extempore”.

“Believe me Sirka ji, this is the most important chapter of our story”, and indeed it was…