Of violins & drums & heartbeats…

“Santri…. are you awake?”, partly awake himself he whispered as he noticed the missing melody of her breaths entering her lungs and then pushed out with some infrequent hiccups as she cleared her throat once in a while…. He has grown habitual of sleeping while listening to this melody over the past few months when their mode of communication promoted to phone from chatting… “Santri…?”, he whispered again…the pronunciation of her name has a special tone attached……its not the same that he uses with his other friends….nor any other generally used tones…..it has a hint of love in it….as if he is desperately trying to include all his care, love desire, passion, obsession, need, want, greed, thirst & a pinch of jealousy in it….. jealous because she can see herself and be with herself all the time while he can’t….which obviously bothers him as an odd reason to feel jealous…… but he would fail every time as the pronunciation of Santri ends before all these feelings could be attached to it. What remains in the tone is a well tried effort which she understands very clearly & that’s why the same effort is reflected in her voice when she says “hmmm?” in return, more than partly asleep herself.

“What happened?.... I can’t hear your breaths”

“Oh…sorry….the mic slipped down to my neck…& I just slipped into a deep sleep….you were saying something?”

“No…I’ve been asleep too…what’s with you today…you seem a bit drowsy”

“I had grilinctus today…that’s why”

“Anyway…I just had as dream…you were there in it”

“Oh….. tell me about it”, she said & her tone clearly stated that the drowsiness has gone away.

“I don’t think so”, he said as he realized that what happened in his dream had crossed atleast some of the limits of their relationship…..he continues thinking…”I can’t tell her what happened….ofcourse I want to kiss her…. But I can’t tell her that ….. not now…. I don’t know how to tell her….. yes I like her…. I adore her….I respect her… but still I want to take her in my arms…. Hug her….kiss her….love her….. may I be damned for that.”

“Oh common…tell me what happened..”, she said…excited and fully awake this time.

“Ohk”, he said as he decided to tell her & continued…. “ I am standing in a grassland… the weather is cloudy….. grass is long and silky and is moving quite easily with the wind… I am drawing a painting of a woman….. its you….wearing a beautiful white dress with long shreds flying either ways….looking so beautiful that I said I wanted to kiss you… but suddenly the painting replied….its not her…..its just her painting…you should go & kiss her in real….”, he finished and waited for her reaction… but the only reaction was a melody of her breaths growing stronger…heavier…..followed by those three words that have always brought about the feeling of butterflies flying in his stomach….the words which he longs to hear again & again… the words for which he would surf the internet for hours searching for sweet nothings to tell her so that she may use them one more time….. the words with her accent hinting that her eyes turned down with shyness simultaneously as she spoke … the three words …”tum bhi naa”, she said and his heart would lighten up with colors…. This was one thing that was able to satiate his thirst of being with her.

“Santri…”, he continued after a long pause…. “do you remember the stuff that I told you about how I felt on eye contact with some of the girls…”, and was interrupted…”yes ofcourse….I remember how your heart-beats would grow stronger on eyes contact with Miss beautiful smile …. & you hear bells ringing in your chest on eye contact with…. What’s her name?”

“the rickshaw girl”

“Oh yeah… whatever & of course I remember how you don’t feel anything on eye contact with me”, she finished…. accusing him of the same….. but the accusation was devoid of all seriousness….infact it was just a teaser…..as they both knew well that their relationship…however young it was…..was unaffected and its intensity unabated by any such stuff…..they both were with each other for their own selves and for no other reason. Neither have deigned to the feelings of the other one.

“well…..there were violins playing on both the sides and the sound of drums was coming from behind me”

“what?”

“when I saw you for the first time…. Santri…. You were there on the elevator…..your eyes searching for me…when our sights met for the first time….I could hear drums playing somewhere behind my chest and violins on either sides…..those were the most memorable 5 seconds of my life….after which I could not manage the intensity of that feeling and immediately looked away…… remember how I would always start looking here and there when you looked into my eyes….?”

“But you said you don’t feel anything”, she said ….earnestly demanding a justification from his side.

“I was afraid”

“Of what?”

“Of exposing my true feelings to you….. of giving you the power to hurt me…..but I’m afraid no more…..this is me…..ripped off of all my protective shields….ripped off of all the fake skins of denying, lying and pretense…… this I present to you as an ode to our relationship”, he said…fully aware of the value of this present….. and of the implications if the receiver wasn’t worth it. But he knew that no one else deserved it more than herself.

“Sourabh..”, she spoke…..relishing each consonant of his name….

“hmm?”, he said in exactly the same tone and with the same feelings that were reflected in her reply a little while ago…

“you are different…..and special….it is only bcoz of you that I started believing that there can be good boys as well…. Thanx for being with me….I cherish each part of our talks..”

“likewise dearest…”, he said and both went silent…. Each listening to the melody of the other one till they met again at Hotel Moon….